Do Plagiarized Aardvarks Wear Imitation Lanyards Be Careful Out There

In recent months, it has come to our attention that some who shall remain nameless (mainly because we don’t know their names) have attempted to imitate our rigorous research into the questions of whether aardvarks, zombies and zombie aardvarks, among others, wear lanyards.





We’re flattered, truly we are. However, we wish to caution our readers that the level of scientific inquiry in these ersatz aardvark explorations might not match the careful standards you’ve come to expect. We are dedicated to exploring all the possible uses of lanyards in the human, animal and undead kingdoms. Other researchers into the use of lanyards might not be as scrupulous.





So how is the prudent reader to know if he or she is reading a properly researched scientific inquiry into the wearing of lanyards by aardvarks, badgers, vampires or nudists? It’s easy to be fooled by imitations if you’re not careful.





Start with the subject matter. Do the articles stick to the question at hand regarding the animal/monster/mythological creature and lanyards? Or do they confuse lanyards with other items?





Allow us to quote one unfortunate example on the matter of lanyards and aardvarks: "There is no direct evidence for Aardvarks to wear thongs." While that is certainly a relief – as is the later comment in the same article that badgers also apparently don’t wear thongs – it strays far from our careful, focused research on the question of aardvarks and lanyards.





Look for evidence of the highest levels of scientific consideration. If they can’t manage to perform a Google search, they can’t be trusted. And no, you can’t rely on Wikipedia’s information on the use of lanyards by animals, monsters, the undead or nudists. (Speaking of which, would zombie nudists wear lanyards? Hmmm, a new promising avenue for research.)





Another clue that you might be dealing with an inferior imitation article is the misuse and/or misquotation of various pop culture references that occasionally pop up in these articles related to lanyards. For example, no self-respecting inquiry into the role of lanyards in the lives of zombies would ever mislabel the classic scientific treatise on zombies as "EVENING of the Living Dead."





Finally, how does the article about lanyards end? Can you count on finding a quote from Sgt. Phil Esterhaus at the end of the article? Accept no substitutes, for there was only one Sgt. Phil Esterhaus. (And for that matter, only one Capt. Phil Harris on Deadliest Catch – who didn’t wear lanyards. R.I.P., Capt. Phil. We miss you.)





Ask yourself -- is it clear that the person writing the article about lanyards even knew who the good sergeant was? The one and only Sgt. Phil Esterhaus was a fictional character on the seminal police procedural show of the 1980s, Hill Street Blues. No, he did not wear lanyards.





Known as "Sarge" or "Phil," but not Sgt. Phil, he was the heart of the Hill Street precinct. He led the roll call at the station that opened every episode, describing the pending cases. His signature sign-off, delivered at the end of every roll call, is still sage advice today:





"Let’s be careful out there."